Let me start by saying that I am not a pediatrician, in case that was not obvious. However, I am a father of 2 and if you hadn’t noticed most of our posts are kid related. That qualifies me to hand out advice right? I know a couple of people who are about have a kid and/or preparing to get preggo so I thought I’d share a little. Well then, let me melt your face with some awesome advice!

*Disclaimer: I’m honest about my children meaning I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you that raising a child is all “flowers and sunshine” because, I promise you, it is not. Oh, and these are not in any kind of order.*

Buy Pampers (or Huggies or any other name brand diaper)

We tried to save some cash by buying the generic Target brand but quite frankly it’s like using toilet paper for a diaper. It’s very thin and you’re going to end up with a mess. The name brand diapers really are a much higher quality and when the goal of a diaper is to keep “the good stuff” from getting on your couch, spend the extra 2 bucks.

You WILL get pooped, peed, and puked on, or any combination of all 3

Oh, you think I’m joking? I remember holding Carter over the bathroom sink, naked, while Mary drew an emergency bath because he had puked all over himself (and us). While I was holding him, he pooped in the sink. HE POOPED IN THE SINK. You can ask my dad about that one because if I remember right, he called right in the middle of it all. He pretty much calls us during every poop/pee/puke emergency. No idea how he does that… He’s probably crying right now from laughing so hard.

Stop talking to your baby like they’re a damn baby

Again, I’m not a pediatrician, but Carter isn’t even 3 yet and he has a great vocabulary and I truly beleive it’s because, except for his first couple months, we’ve never really talked to him like a baby. We use full sentences and try to explain things to him like he’s a normal person. My theory is that if you talk to them like a baby then talk to them like a normal person then they’ll learn to speak in that order. If you skip the baby talk and go straight to the normal talk then they’ll learn that first. They’re little sponges and they learn very fast if you try to teach them.

They’re little sponges and they learn very fast if you try to teach them

This is actually one of the easier ones in my opinion. Get up off the couch, go in your child’s room, sit down on the floor, and play with them. The key part here is the toys. Blocks, puzzles, books, toys that make the kid figure stuff out. By all means, when the weather is nice, go play outside but at night, after their bath and before bedtime, go play in their room and focus on those types of toys. Before you know it you’ll have a little person on your hands…

If you don’t want to breast feed, then don’t breast feed

There are studies that show both sides of this breast feed/bottle feed debacle. You’re friends and family will fire advice at you like a shotgun but ultimately the kid came out of YOUR crotchel region, not theirs. Do what you feel comfortable with. Bottle feeding is just fine but if you want to breast feed, then whip’em out.

You’re friends and family will fire advice at you like a shotgun

Here’s my advice on advice. That’s fun huh. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has advice for you. Don’t look at this as annoying, which is probably your first instinct. Instead, look at this as helpful, but make sure you stand back to do the looking… What I mean is, stand back and listen to what everyone has to say and then figure out what suits you from the group, not one individual. Ever watch those game shows that allow you to poll the audience to see what the majority of the people have to say? Now we’re on the same page… Look, they all mean well and they’re really just trying to help, so just agree with them and they’ll eventually go away so you can make up your own mind.

Your 3 month old child can actually poop in their own hair

Goin for a little shock and awe here. Don’t stress out about it, just be amazed by it, clean them up, and move on. And wash your hands, and their hair… True story by the way. The other day Sam was in his Intellitainer and he pooped and he wiggled around so much that it squeezed up his back. I got him in the changing table and he was still squirming around (he does that a lot) and by the time I managed to get him stripped down, he had it worked all the way to the base of his head and in his hair. I was amazed. Mary can vouch for this one, she called me right when I figured all this out.

During the actual birth you’ll experience more EPM (emotions per minute) than in any other situation

Oh, and this has nothing to do with the mom, this is all dad here. Here’s the list, roughly in order from when you’re told to “hold mom’s leg” to “you can bring in your family now”:

• Prepared (while holding the leg)
• Calm (hey, this leg holding is easy)
• Focused (hold leg, watch baby come out, 2 steps, piece of cake)
• Confusion (why is that vein popping out of my wife’s head)
• Amazement (wow, look at the size of that thing coming out of… the size of that thing…)
• Nausea, Shock, “Fight or Flight”, Confusion (oh that was a lot of fluid, the doctor just “Matrix dodged” some airborn fluid, I know I’m supposed to stay but I really want to leave now, why on earth am I still here)
• Confusion (you want me to cut what? aren’t YOU the doctor?)
• Scared (just cut where they tell you, just cut where they tell you)
• Excited (7lbs 8oz, 20 1/2 inches long, I have no idea if that’s good or bad but it is awesome!)
• Grossed out (oh man, so that’s what a placenta looks like)
• Tearfully joyful (look at what we made honey, he’s amazing, I love you, I love you too)
• Proud (COME, LOOK AT THIS HERE CHILD THAT I PRODUCED WITH MY SEED I AM A MAN AHHHH!)

Oh it’s a hoot, lemme tell ya.

They’re not a goldfish, they’re actually pretty tough to kill

What I mean is, feed them, burp them, change their diaper, put them to sleep. It’s easy to screw it up, it’s even easier to NOT screw it up.

When they cry, there are only 4 possible reasons

The first 3 are obvious and easy and covered in the last one. They’re either hungry, dirty, or tired. The 4th one is the hard one to spot but you can figure it out just by ruling the other 3 out. I just fed and changed him and that was just after his nap, so it must be this mystery “4th one” that Brad was talking about. Pay attention here, some babies just want to be held for a little bit. WHOA! Dude, it’s a baby, it needs some affection once in a while. Don’t be shy.

Your kids can give you the single most joy in your life, if you let them

Mary just told me last night that the other night she was mad at Carter because she was trying to put his pajamas on and he wasn’t cooperating and he was mad at her because he didn’t want to go to bed so they were basically yelling at each other and then they both just busted up laughing. Look, just come to the realization that your child will be around for at least 18 years, why not try to enjoy some of that? It’ll benefit both you and the kid.

Do not listen to some guy that gives advice and says “melt your face” all in the same post.

Wait, how’d that one get in there…

That’s it! Print this out and put it on your fridge then go procreate.